so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My dick has a subreddit
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
