Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
