Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
