He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
