That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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