I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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