Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
