there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
