bring money and cleavage
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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