my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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