Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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