So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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