I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
