Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
