by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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