his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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