I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
