Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
