mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
