he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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