happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
