He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
