I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She's the barista slut.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
