So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
