he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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