I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
