All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
