If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
