I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
