he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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