But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Randomize
