i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
