Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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