Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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