why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
