I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
