someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
