So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
