So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
