You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
