Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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