GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
