FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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