I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
