my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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