dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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