She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
