how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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