hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
