I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
