Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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